Braver Than I Once Was //
This morning I was on a call to my insurance company and I got put on hold. I was in my own little world, when I started having a little moment with myself. It’s funny, because when I first started dealing with all of my own ‘adult responsibilities’, I was literally petrified of talking on the phone. Laugh at me all you want, but for whatever reason, I was scared and couldn’t go near the ‘phone’ app without having a little freak out moment. Probably a silly fear and a little dramatic (it IS me, after all), but it was so real a couple of years ago. At 20 years old, I wasn’t even living with my family, but I’d still get my mum to phone the doctor for an appointment. I honestly can’t tell you at which moment that changed and when I was able to overcome my silly little fear, but I did.
I haven’t really thought about this fear since I outgrew it, but this morning I kind of just laughed at myself, and started thinking about something I heard in a podcast recently. The pastor speaking this message said that sometimes. we have to go back because we are different. We have to take the time and revisit old hurts, fears and even wounds, to speak to them and view from a different place. When we grow and get stronger, we get to look back and speak new words to things and move on.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19.
This past year my eyes have been opened to a new kind of growth. The messy, ugly and painful kind of growth. I’ve come face to face with it. It’s kept me up at night. The growth I’m talking about is the growth that involves getting pulled out by the roots – having your world flipped upside down and inside out. I’m grateful to be brave enough to face all of this- because, a lot of times we run. We hide and we don’t let ourselves deal with the reality of our situations- even if we’ve faced it before at arms length- deep growth is a whole new ball game.
Once I finally stopped living in past pain like it’s a part of who I am, did I begin REAL growth. I’m finally self-aware, and Jesus has been working through the pieces – one day at a time. We are mending it all together; healing hand in hand me and Him. Through this time I have truly been mended and renewed. It doesn’t come easy, and it takes courage, even the second time around. But now I am different. I can go back, and acknowledge the victory.
I’m stepping forward, growing and becoming braver. Not in who I once was, but in who I am IN Christ. I have found so much freedom in my new identity because Jesus paid it all, so I could have freedom…so I could have a new song to sing. I stepped out from what I’d always hid behind. I realise now by doing this, and standing before Him fully vulnerable, that now I am so courageous because I put ALL of my trust into Him.
I’ve realised that since I’ve put work in and experienced growth, things that once hurt and controlled me, don’t anymore. They don’t even have room. Because God is propelling me forward into fullness. Somehow satan still finds a way to weave old pains back into my world, and it has recently been on my heart to go back and revisit them, so I can get full closure. To speak some kind, brave words over things that once had a hold of me but no longer do. I’m realising the enemy will do just about anything to keep us looking back, so we miss what’s ahead. So, I’ve been on this journey of going back because I’m different. Saying sorry, because it’s about ownership now. Saying no to old insecurities, because I am fully loved by a sweet, sweet Father. He has shown me where He was in every step I took and every hurt I encountered. But there is so much ahead.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17.
I’ve gotten past all limits I had always told myself I’d never exceed. My heart is expanding and I am creating room for new. I’ve grown stronger. I’ve gotten to revisit old defeats in my life and turn them into victories. And friends, that’s something really freeing. I’m braver than I once was, and this season has been so open and full of Jesus because I’m allowing room for Him to get in. I’m different. I’ve gone back because I am different.
Don’t be afraid of stepping forward. All of this is making you more beautiful.